Monday, July 30, 2012

Super Abridged Cliff Notes Version of Lord of the Rings - Bored of the Rings



I'm not a fan of the Lord of the Rings in any way shape or form, and this always gets the fan boys on my ass because they expect me - being the weird magical hat wearing dude that I am, to automatically love it. I tried, I really did. I read the books in a master edition leather bound hard cover, but I would always fall asleep.  Same with the movies.  Lord of the Rings is BORING to me. Boring, boring, boring. I really wanted to love it, as I love fantasy & magical worlds, but I just don't, and like George Washington I cannot tell I lie and so I must chop down the overgrown cherry tree.  I hope the Hobbit movie is better because I loved the Hobbit as a book & thought it was infinitely superior as far as story structure goes.  The saying , "less is more," really applies in comparing the two.

So to save anyone who can't get through 1200+ pages or 13 hours of movie, I have written a slightly abridged version:


LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY - (Slightly Abridged Script)

Bilbo: Yo what's up cuz, hey, I found this really evil ring... makes me invisible and greedy and I know it's bad but power is so sexy ya know what I mean?

Frodo: Hmmm. I think I'm just gonna stick to smoking. I really am not looking to get into harder drugs or evil rings right now I'm just gonna hit the pipe. (Take a big ass toke, eyes roll back into head)

Gandalf: Yeah, throw that bitch out.

Frodo: Hey Gandalf, just because you have a cool hat you think you can tell me what to do?! Bilbo gimme that ring now I wanna try it.

(Gandalf rolls eyes and face palms)

(Endless hours later of linear bullshit on way to big trashcan to throw out ring. Fighting, in depth talks and little raps about cake, some bad guys in black on the horse from the Denver airport - some trippy trees and nice mountains and stuff, then a slimey drug dealing meth addict looking dude who wants a hit of the ring too)

Frodo: Yeah. Better throw this bitch out.

T H E   E N D

1 comment:

  1. Making a new reaction button..... (check mark) silly ( 1). The Hobbit will be fun!

    ReplyDelete

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