Monday, December 27, 2010

Do you have control of your life or is it all random chaos?

I think it's 'easier' to think life is a chaotic random mess of coincidences that you have only a little control over. I think that's an easy cop out of taking pure and total 100% responsibility for your life. I think that's why most people live lives of either quite desperation or half assed compromise, talking about what 'could of been' if they had only done such and such or been given a break.

Talk to any really successful, driven, talented person and you will find that it is not their intelligence, nor their 'luck' nor their 'station' in life - but it was their focus and belief system - their THOUGHTS and the absolute CHOICE - the DECISION to be WHO THEY ARE, that got them to make it.

Meaning, if you talk to Will Smith, he will say, "I was going to be a world famous actor, or I was going to get shot in the head by someone trying to stop me, and when I got shot in the head, I will reincarnate and keep going at it." He made a DECISION and once you make a DECISION and commit and believe in it absolutely it WILL happen and that is IT. Now - you can't always control the 'HOW' of it, as that is the workings of the entire networked and connected universe or what you would call the 'collective unconscious' or higher self or energy or God or the Thrice Great Okapi of Zanazulo. It doesn't matter - you focus on what you WANT not the how of it - you just keep taking steps towards and the HOW works itself out. I have proven this too myself and you WILL see me become world famous - I promise you that.

There are basically two ways to look at life: 1 - that there is a bunch of material 'stuff' or goop of which where it came from no one knows, that somehow 'magically' mixed together randomly and created what you would call your life or consciousness, or #2 - that all there is is consciousness or life, and IT is that CONSCIOUSNESS that creates everything that we deem solid and material. I am a #2 person. Science is now finding out that everything really is #2... they can't find the real 'stuff'. You think your couch is real.. your couch is a song.. it's vibration.. radio waves go through it like you would go through a pool. Imagine then, if there are 'beings' composed of radio waves.. complete intelligent beings. It's not a far stretch for in fact, that is what you are, but the other beings you hang out with are tuned into the same frequency as you, so you can 'feel' and 'see' and 'smell' and 'touch' each other and so you then call that 'real'. In real reality, the word real has no meaning whatsoever except 'an experience'.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Universal Spider

Universal Spider

Egad! You creep again!
So be it!
Bring your trials to me once again!
Spin your web of blackness ever thicker!
Sticky, filthy, vile thing.
I won't run this time.

I welcome your trap!
I wrap myself in your horrible strands!
You shall not fool me again!

This time, I shall make no attempt to untangle myself.
This time, I shall not scream.
This time, I shall not fear as my breath is blocked and you suffocate me!

Kill me you horrible thing! I welcome it!

Ah but you can't!

Your web is made out of my fear, of which there is no more.

So you have no hold, do you!?

Then I'm sure you won't mind...

* scrunch *

- Blackout -
- MB -

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Love, Self Worth, Life, The Universe, Faith, IT, and Everything

I want to and do try to 'love' everyone. Even those who at times make me fall into the illusion of hating, or at least disliking them very much. I don't use the word 'hate' so much anymore, because I have grown past the usefulness of that feeling, and when I do use the word, I never really mean it, or at least not seriously. To me, if I say, "I 'hate' that fucking guy! The word hate is really equivilent to a curse word. It's like shouting 'fuck!' when you stub your toe or something else stupid happens to you out of nowhere that frustrates you. It's just a word to express some frustration or anger, which we all get sometimes, no matter how spiritual, grounded, or 'enlightened' one may be. The only thing that I would say I truly 'hate', are sick people who genuinely derive pleasure from causing pain or displeasure to others, and who do so purposely, and with mal intent in order to provide themselves with pleasure from the 'thrill', 'high', or 'powertrip', they get from doing such things. Even with that being said, let me clarify something - I don't really hate them. I hate what they are doing. Notice I used the word sick in front of the word people. I think people of the type I just described are simply unevolved or troubled souls, who have not gotten the love and guidance that they need, and eventually they will learn, because all of the pain and hurt that they are doing unto others in order to please themselves and 'get off' on some kick or power trip high, they are really just doing to themselves, and it will all come back to them. I don't mean this as in "someone or the universe will get revenge on them." I mean it in the sense of Karma, and when I say Karma, I mean energy.

Karma is not some sort of universal rule book, credit report, or resume that keeps track of your deeds and then gets handed over to 'God', who then takes a look at it, scratches his chin, and makes his verdict on judgement day. Karma is not Santa Clause's list of who's naughty and who's nice - and who's going to get presents and who's going to get a lump of coal. Karma is the simple universal law of reciprocity, that the energy you put out, is the energy that you will get. Read that sentence again, and take it to heart.

It may appear sometimes, that this law is untrue, and that the manipulative, the selfish, the cruel, and what we would even call the 'evil' people of the world seem to be doing very well, or even 'winning' (whatever 'winning' means), but this world is not all that there is people, and materialistic success, including all the money, cars, houses, offices, buildings, widesreen TVs, clothes, shoes, jewelry, land, food and eating at fancy smancy overpriced restaurants, false impressed lovers, along with all the status, control, and power that comes along with that stuff, are simply wordly pleasures, and NOT the MEASURE of true SUCCESS or happiness. They are only valued very highly here, by our western culture and it's weird values and rules, in this system, on this plain, on this planet, in this game, at this time. But don't despair, kind beings, for as the great Mahatma Gandhi said - who was one of the most beautiful souls to have ever graced our wonderful little planet with his presence for a short time, and a soul who got IT, and I'll talk more about IT in a bit (hey, I made a rhyme!):

"Whenever I despair, I remember that all throughout history, the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it – always."
The man knew what he was talking about. He got what this life thing is all about.

If you haven't seen the movie Gandhi, or you haven't read any of his writings, I highly suggest that you do. If you have read this far, and are finding this article interesting, or you are feeling a little stirring deep inside you, continue on, dear reader, and after my words, I will leave a list of books and songs that I highly recommend you check out.

But getting back to the things Marti was speaking about in his above post:

Well, quite simply, what he was speaking about, and what I am talking about now, is of, and on a level that only certain souls will understand or even be intersted in. Others will think it is a load of nonsense, or 'druged out hippie/stoner talk that you should be done with by the time you leave college. People will roll their eyes when you get into talk like this, but those people are still too attached to the material, and haven't evolved spiritually enough to understand or even care. Some people never even bother to question their existence once in their lives! They would much rather get a raise and buy a new car than waste time on silly talk such as this, and you know what, that's fine - for them. If they are happy, and not doing things to harm other people. It's not fine, or enough, for me.

Now please don't take my words the wrong way and think that I am saying this as some sort of spiritual elitest - "I am more spiritually evolved than you are," type of tone or inference. I am not saying that. We all learn, experience, grow, and change at our own pace - so what I am saying here is what I believe, and what I have learned, in my own pace, and in my own time.

I have been fascinated with life, the universe, and everything (really, life, the universe, and everything - not just the Douglas Adams book, which is great and fascinates me too!), and the great question that all of us, or excuse me, at least SOME of us, ask ourselves at one time or another: "Just what the hell exactly IS this, what exactly are we DOING here, what in the name of jizzlejabs is going ON and how the hell did it all BEGIN? Was even a beginning? If so, where did that come from, and so on and so forth, and if there wasn't a beginning and there just was always an IS... how IS THAT? And just WHAT exactly IS IS, OR IT?!?!? WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?!!?"

I have had things like that on my mind since I was a little child, but I am beginning to feel the answers to some of my questions...the unanswerable questions. I have also, thank God, never lost my childlike wonder, and I hope and pray that I never do.

I have often been criticized for this. I have been called a child, a baby, and labelled a useless dreamer with my head in the clouds - forever floating over useless concepts, unanswerable questions, and generally wasting time and being unproductive in what the people who give me these critiques like to call 'reality', or 'the real world'.

Perhaps there is something to their critques. Perhaps I have been an incredible time waster! But WHO is to say what time well spent actually is? Hmmm? Who is this person? Or is it our society as a whole? Is there an authority or rule book of some sort somewere that I can consult that is entitled: "All There Is to Know About How to Properly Spend Your Time in Life and Not Waste It!"? And just what would this book say, I wonder? That - if you have a good job, and make lots of money, and marry a nice person, and buy a nice car, and then rent a nice apartment, and then buy a nice house, and then have nice kids, and have nice family barbeques...and then teach the kids to do the same, and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on.......times infinity, that you have spent your time in the correct manner, and you haven't wasted it?

And if you follow that book's advice and live that way, should you get some sort of productivity medal or award? A gold pin maybe? Five little shiny gold star stickers like you used to get in kindergarden when you were a 'good boy or girl' next to your death certificate or on your tombstone that says: YOU DID IT! You didn't waste your time on stupid things or unanswerable questions and philosophies! No, not you! You were productive! You had a picket fence! CONGRATS AND PEACE OUT!

Should there be some sort of video game like HIGH SCORE and a number on everyone's tombstones that reflects their productivity and lack of time waisting?

Can you be a winner in the game called life just like it says you can in the Milton Bradley board game?

If you think so, you can find instructions on how to win at life here. But I warn you, I think it may be a bit out of date, kind of like the bible. It says that life is only for 2 to 6 players, not 2 to 6 billion, so I think the rules may need to be updated and changed a bit. I have some ideas so, Milton Bradley, if you're reading this, give me a call.

What if I don't want to do those things? What if those things seem boring to me? Am I a loser at the game of life? Will I not get a high score on my tombstone? What if I want to spend my life playing the original Super Mario Brothers Nintendo game over and over and over again, and put THAT high score on my tombstone? What if I want to go find a deserted island and sit on a rock, eat coconuts, and ponder the supposedly 'unanswerable questions' for ever and ever and ever, or at least until the day I die - alone, on a rock, and with a half eaten coconut still in my dead, cold hand - and then, upon dying and going into the afterlife, I choose to reincarnate myself as the EXACT same person, go to the EXACT same island, and PONDER THE UNANSWERABLE questions some more while eating the exact same coconuts!?!!? Ok...maybe I'll eat some bananas too this time, but my point is this:

Who is ANYONE to say WHAT is a WASTE of time? I'm not saying that's what I want to do... I mean, I don't really even like coconuts that much. I've only had an almond joy a few times in my life and it was well...OK. And hey, I saw Castaway, with Tom Hanks, so I don't think that life's for me - but IF I DID, well, then that would be MY choice. Life doesn't have to have a preset mold to follow that make money = happy productive person. I don't remember signing an agreement before I was born that said I would worship and agree to use small green pieces of paper that seem to trust God. The paper's say "In God we Trust", how can a green piece of paper trust God?

I have searched and searched and searched, and asked all of the questions: "what?" and "why?" and "how?" and "who?" and "where?" (the five Ws of investigative reporting), only I have applied them philosophically to the subject of existence. I have been most especially stumped at times on the "WHAT?!??" and especially...ESPECIALLY...the "HOW???!?!????".

I have taken philosophy courses and have had heated debates with professors and other students. I have layed down on the grass on a clear night, both alone, and with friends, and just stared up at the stars, letting my mind wander to wherever it wanted to (hell, I still do that). I have read every book I can get my hands on by and about all the past and current great poets, writers, artists, thinkers, and philosophers, and I continue do so as much as I can. You don't want to go with me to a Borders because it's very hard to pull me out. I am still fascinated every single time I see a lightning bolt. I love rainstorms, and every time there is one, I try to let my eyes focus on one single rain drop in the storm, and remember it - remember IT. THAT DROP, that I focused on, out of all the other millions of drops in the storm. It may sound cheesy, and it may sound cliche', but these are the things I do. These things are me.

I have gone through the full spectrum of emotions and states of being, and yet,I can still amaze myself that I am alive by simply staring at my own palm and wiggling my fingers. I have been confident, energetic, spritely, alive, and so joyous - that I have cried from the simple sight of a tree with its branches and leaves waving in the wind at dawn, or the look of a strange couple, content on a windy afternoon, who don't notice me noticing them. I like the feeling when I meet a stranger and then give them a random, but true compliment, and then just walk out of their lives, expecting nothing in return but knowing that I am getting everything, because I made them smile - if only for a little bit. I made them smile. I made me smile. The strangers are me, and I am them. We are in it together, even though we don't know eachother, now.

I have felt the spirit of the very universe rise and pulse through me, I have felt love and goodness surge through my very being while standing alone on a cliff - staring out in pure awe at the world, the wonderful, wonderful, amazing world, while I have felt connected - filled with energy, compassion, love, and creativity, creativity from the ALL that IS. Not from any one person, girlfriend, parent, friend, or hallmark greeting card. Not that I haven't felt great from those things too, but that's not what I am talking about here. I am talking about the feeling that I keep referring to as IT.

IT, is a feeling of pure joy, just from BEING. IT IS BEING. IT IS JOY.

IT is not like a high from a drug or a substance, although certain Shamans have used certain subtances with care and respect to reach alterted states of consciousness to experience IT.

IT is understanding, and oneness with all that is IT, while still not losing yourself or your uniqueness, but definately being humbled and losing your EGO. IT is inexplicable, IT doesn't translate well into words, though I am trying as best as I can to describe IT, so that others can get IT too. IT is always transient at best, but when IT is gone, IT lingers, and you can never forget IT. IT is respect for all other things because you are all those other things and they are you and we are we, we are IT.

I have also been to the other side.

Down, far down... away from the feeling of it as I described it or joy as you might know it. So far away, and so far down, into the deepest depths and chasms of despair, self pity, and worthlessnes. I have felt sadness so intense, and so strongly that I wanted nothing more than to simply NOT BE. Yes, that's right. Thoughts of suicide ran amuck like a bad computer virus in my brain many a time, and my curiosity and wonder dissappeared, and they were replaced by cyniscism, fear, worry, and doubt. Four very unfreindly faces.

"How beautiful and what a miracle it is to exist," turned into "What the fuck is all this misery for and what's the POINT anyway?!!? My life is a waste, my talents are useless, I have no family, and I make no money and therefore, since life appears to be all about how much money you have, and since I have none, and no apparent plans or ways of making it or supporting myself correctly in this world where green paper appears to rule and trust in God - I must therefore be a loser, and so I guess I'm cursed and will never survive and never be happy in this world. I am a loser in the game called life, so why don't I just get AWAY FROM THIS FUCKING SAD AND CRUEL TORTURE CHAMBER??!?"

Sounds pretty bad, doesn't it? Well it sure was. It was horrible. I would never wish the horrible feelings of depression I had - feelings that would overtake my very soul, on ANYONE, EVER! I have been at what I consider to be the very worst place a person can ever be: I have been alive, but alive without hope.

Being dead seemed like a lot better option at the time, and it is so hard for me to fully ever explain that to someone who hasn't experienced living without hope, just as it was hard to explain the joy that I had experienced when I felt at peace and 'one' with life, to someone who has not experienced that - that feeling that for a split second, I got, and was, one, with IT. I understood.

Not during the depressions though. During those times, I had lost all traces of hope, which as I said, is the worst place I believe anyone can ever be at, other than being in a horrible kind of physical torture, such as some murder victims, rape victims, and prisoners of war go through - but in reality, it's almost the same thing, because when you have lost your hope, it is a kind of slow and terrible mental torture. I know that there are people who think it's a load of bullshit. They say that I'm lazy, they say " snap out of it, just wake up, just get to work you jackass!" Or they give me hundreds of different pills, that never seem to help - made by evil mega corporations whos job it is to KEEP YOU HOOKED ON THESE pills so that they can continue to make massive profits off of you for as long as they can until you either die or their patent runs out and they then have to market some NEW AND IMPROVED MIRACLE DRUG THAT IS MUCH BETTER THAN THE ONE WE WERE SELLING YOU BEFORE because now that old drug is available as a generic so they can't charge you the ridiculous 20x over priced charge they were charging you because now some cheap company in Canada will make the pills for there actual cost which is close to nothing and make a couple bucks on standard retail markup, all this to make what? More more more of that money money money; to be a winner at the game of life and have a better car and house and greener grass than your neighbor. Uh oh...we found out that some of our pills are killing people? biggie, lets make a new one and color it purple and make real pretty ads, yeah! And we'll just say the people who died from the old one were just crazy!

Hell, they WERE depressed to begin with! It's all their fault, those losers! it couldn't have been our Frankenstein pills, we're a pharmecuitical company, we CURE people! Just like Cox, Viacom, and Clear Channel keep the world informed by controlling all the sources of media. ALL EXCEPT THIS ONE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! Stay off the internet!

Sorry, got a bit off track there... continuing on:

So, to you people who think depression is BS, I can tell you with utmost certainty, that it is not. Sure, everyone gets depressed sometimes, but there are actual genetic reasons for it, and it is supposed to serve a purpose and pass with a reasonable time. If your parents or best friend dies, and you are depressed and sad for a while, it is a natural, normal, and sometimes needed thing. It gives one perspective and a greater appreciation for smaller things once one comes out of it. Grief and mourning are parts of being alive and without suffering there could be no joy. We are not Spock, we have emotions, but if the negative feeling comes out of nowhere, for no reason, or even if there IS a reason, but the feeling just stays and stays and stays and doesn't go, it is the worst torture imaginable.

There have been people who have survived incredibly horrific and physically painful tradgedies who don't get depressed, they get stronger from it. That is how I am trying to treat my depression episodes, as a physical genetic infliction that causes a painful mental condition, that empowers my non physical soul in the end as I survive it. It actually empowers me. When it is there, I just have to hold on with all my might, and try not to give in to it, and each time a hold on a little longer, I grow stronger when I do make it out. It's almost some bizzare mental, spiritual, and physically taxing workout. It seems to come in 2 year cycles, and each time the depression is lower and worse, but when I make it out, I am stronger and a better person, and can function and help others better than how I could before it. So as dangerous as it is, and as much suffering as it has been, when I am out of it, I suppose I can almost view it as a gift, but when I am in it, it is the worst curse of all, and I am weak. I can barely muster the physical energy to tie my shoes while my nervous system zaps and shocks me with mental terror. I hope that it doesn't come back like it has in the past, but I have learned so much from going through it each time, and then taking notes and learning how to try and distance myself from it and control the me behind me, the essence, the soul, that is just currently in this form, and this body, that you know as Michael, or Blackout. Yes, yes, I know, I may be getting too metaphysical for some of you again, and you may be rolling your eyes and thinking in your head, "here he goes into his philosophy and infinity and the meaning of life positivo crap, come on dude, I just want to hear some funny prank calls or see some funny movies."

Well, you're on the philosophy or writing board now, so if you don't like what I am writing about, I would suggest you go hop over to the main lounge or into the now playing section where you can get your usual dose of comedic banter and fun, but right now I am laying down some conclusions I have come to, from all my life experiences so far:

In the true all, end all, be all of being and existence, we are all the same one thing, infinitely toying within ourselves and divisions of ourselves and the energy that is the infinity of the universe - which IS ourselves. We are infinite, yet not infinite, because that energy is 1, but it is an ever expanding and evolving 1. I know, it can get confusing to talk about within the boundaries of our language. Human language has limits, but love and creativity do not. At least that's what I think, as I am here, in this current filter and form that you call 'Michael' or 'Blackout' here in this time and place.

Let me also add that just because we are all one, does not mean that your uniqueness is not important. You're uniqueness is very important, or you would not be here! The universe NEEDS, and WANTS you! Even if you reach a state of the highest oneness with all that IS, like some of the great Tibeten monks try to do, I believe there is still a unique YOU, a you that is beyond EGO while being part of the ONE at the same time, a you behind all the possible multiple experiences, lives, and existences and forms you may have previously had, a you beyond space-time, and that's a difficult concept to grasp, and an even more difficlut concept to visualize. It takes some time, and you may not agree, but don't worry, you've got all the time in the world to find out what you believe in, because you ARE the world, and it is you. The golden rule applies to everything. Treat EVERYTHING, not only other human beings, but EVERYTHING, as you would like to be treated yourself. Now I don't mean to tell you that you have to talk kindly to your salad before you eat it, or apologize to your dinner for killing it, (we live in a predatory life & death system for a reason - no one lives without being a murderer of something) but have an appreciation for it, for every meal, every friendship, every stranger, every flower, creature, star, experience, and even every bad time and horrble thing that you have ever had in your life.

Have appreciation for every moment in your life. Have appreciation for this moment.

This moment.

Right now.

Here you are.

Here, in this moment, always will you be, no matter how far away you ever go, no matter how many things you have done, or how many great plans you have set and mapped out for tommorow.

It is no simple task, but if you constantly try to do IT, you will begin to get 'IT'. What is IT? It's IT. That's it. Now I know I am starting to sound like an old Mike Patton song, but speaking of such, he is another man who while being labled crazy (as all great thinkers always are) by many, had some insight into the magical divinity of what life is really about. He is another one, who I believe, get's IT.

This moment is all we have, but this moment is infinite. So basically, while you are caught up remembering yesterday, and so busy planning for tommorow, try to remember that THIS MOMENT is all you have had, and all you will ever have, so appreciate it! Love it! You can't have yesterday and you can't have tommorow. Yesterday is gone and tommorow may or may not come as you know and expect it to, but whatever does come, it will still be this moment when it arrives, and all the memories that you have, are of THOSE MOMENTS, and when you are remembering them, you are still remembering them in the only place and time you have and will and forever and ever, ever be in and have - THIS MOMENT.

this small moment


Once again, please don't get me wrong or misinterpret what I am trying to express. There is nothing wrong with thinking about yesterday and planning for tommorow, it allows us to funtion as human beings and advance and learn from memories of our mistakes and build and solve puzzles and all of that. That's why space-time exists - it allows us to do wonderful, however transient, things in this current game that we are playing with ourselves in this universe and on this planet.

I know this started as a valentine's day talk about love, and I have gone on quite a trip and zipped through some tangents in what I am saying here, but I had to because it all connects to our main subject of the hour...

What IS true love?

Before we stroll down male female, male male, female female, parent child, child parent, human animal, or any of those things, let me start with the basics from which all that comes from.

I believe, that God, and love, are really one and the same. God is not some man with a beard on a throne looking down and judging you. God is you, god is me, god is all, God is one and God is infinite. You know that song, "What if God were one of us?" Well guess what? Not only is he one of us, he is all of us, and we are all of him or she or BE or IT. As Radiohead would say - "Everything in its right place."

God is energy that may have gotten lonely, and lonely's no fun, so lonely may have learned to split itself or hide from itself, so that it might find itself, have fun with itself, and perhaps even romance itself. Kind of like a game of hide and seek.

Perhaps we are all just one being with the worst case of schizophrenia ever, and no doctor to cure us!

I believe that there is really nothing seperate, that there is, as author Richard Back, titled one of his beautiful books, "No Such Place As Far Away."

We all walk together.

Now, society, and our current structure, demands, or at least heavily suggests that we confine ourselves to a commitment of one true love. Perhaps using the word confine is not being fair, and I am showing my colors too much, so lets just say commit. Now to most people, that one love means one person, one special unique person, who is our ultimate soul mate, and to whom we should get married, share our ultimate secrets with, and have children with.

But here is my dilemma:

I don't know if I believe or subscribe to such a theory as that - being the one, and true, and only way of living, BUT before you start calling me a stereotypical commitmentphobic male who just wants to have a harem, please hear me out a little more:

I have been in love, and in lust, and in various stages in-between. I am gratful for the wonderful relationships that I have had with all those that I have had them with. I am grateful for the amazing gift of sharing romance and love, and especially the incredible moments, but I don't know, or don't think I have experienced a feeling that leads me to think that 'THE ONE', as our society likes to define it, is how it has to be, or that it is an absolutley true way of living as of yet. I'm not sure. I don't say this because I want to go and have sex with every hot female I see, but I do have this want to be in love with the world, the world as ONE, and to have the freedom to spend the night at a strangers house if I want to, even if it is just to talk, and I don't know if a conventional 'marriage' and family would ever work for me, and for the type of person I am, yet I can definately see myself wanting children at some point. Perhaps I will grow out of this feeling, perhaps I won't. Perhaps with the right girl, at the right time, it could work, or my views would change. One never knows, because hopefully one is always growing, learning, reconsidering, adapting, and improving upon the greatest work of art that they will ever get to contribute to anyone else: Themselves.

Because of my way of thinking and being, I have sometimes suffered, or have sometimes caused others to suffer, or caused others to come to what I consider to be very wrong conclusions about me. I am aware that some people believe that I am some sort of self centered egotistical hedonist, and that's not the vibe I try and put out there. Hey, perhaps, I am that, on certain days, but what's wrong with that? Aren't we all selfish sometimes to some extent? Anything you do, you do from the core of yourself, because you want to to it, and because it derives some sort of satisfaction or pleasure for you. Even Mother Theresa, who spent her whole life helping the poor and the needy and tending to the sick, did so because it made her feel good. It was what she wanted to do.

So am I calling Mother Theresa a selfish bitch? Of course not. What I am trying to point out here leads back to the beginning of this piece, and it is simply this - that YOU come first. Yes. You must love YOURSELF first, and then expand your love onward from that. Once again, don't be confused, the difference between selfish, egotistical and narcissistic love of oneself, and true, healthy, REAL love of one's self is easily detectable - and you WILL KNOW if you are lying to yourself, because you can't really be dishonest with yourself. You can attempt it...but deep, deep, down - in your heart of hearts and soul, you can't deceive yourself. That is Karma. It is set up by you.

Getting back to this false view that some people have that I am some big headed womanizer because I never settle down with one girl. I have this to say about that:

Bring on dem bitches and hoes yo!

Just kidding.

I have NEVER, ever, purposely used any girl that I have ever met, and I have nothing but goodness, kindness, and the best intentions for not only those females who I have had either a spiritual, physical, friendship, or combination of feelings for, but for everyone in this world, even those who hate me and would be my enemy. (except for Whitney Houston, Britney Spears, and Flip Schultz - those three must die) Yes, I have learned to thank the people who I have had the greatest conflicts with in my life, because I now understand that everything that has happened was for me to grow as a person, and anything that I couldn't handle was my issue, and what they couldn't handle was theirs. I can never blame someone else for how I choose to react to them.

So once again I will say, before you can even really begin to truly love another, the most important thing in the world is to truly and absolutely accept and love yourself first. I once again have to clarify that I don't mean that in a narcissistic way. When I say the most important thing in the world is to love yourself first - I mean it in the sense that you must truly be appreciative of the life force that is within you, and of the infinity and divinity within you, and the unique you that only you are, even though we are all one. I know, it sounds like a loop, and that's because it is, an ever expanding one that has probably looped around about 42 times now by my bet.

You have to stop, and just take heed at the wonderment of existence that you are now traveling through. Praise it, even in little small ways. Be joyous about it, and love everything and everyone you can with every ounce of your being and life force.

When you begin to do this, you will begin feel IT, the truth, the is, the all, the real thing, the greatest you of yous, and your never ending potential.

Nurture it like the most precious flower in the rarest garden, because that's what it is, and that's what YOU are. Sure...we have to deal with real life and the day to day problems of our physical reality and can't nor should we always be off in some meditative "higher plain", but we can carry the magic with us in our normal daily actions. We can have a little bit, of the IT, with us at all times, even while doing the most most mundane and boring of tasks. We have all of IT with us all the time, but we can only tap into it FULLY at certain times, but that is good. Being in the same state of bliss all the time would be boring. So know, the feeling of IT may be transient, and go away, and you may miss it and crave it, but it is always inside of you.

Once you have achieved this realization (and this is no easy task for it is an ever expanding and never fully ending task that has little peaks and rest stops with wonderful viewpoints along the journey that has no defined roadmap), you will find that life will be much easier for you. Much more magic will start to happen, and even when tragedies and roadblocks occur, you will be able to accept them as is and handle them better, for when you have accepted the task of loving yourself, and appreciating your life and your uniqueness - while at the same time grasping that:

You are no more important than any other being, even though you are the most important being in the world.

Then, and only then, can you really tuly begin to share true love and joy with others, love of the highest order, the love of creation itself.

As the much in tune with the spirit of life Lenny Kravitz would say, in another of my favorite tunes ever, "Believe":

"I am you, and you are me. Why's that such a mystery?

If you want IT you've got to BELIEVE.

Who are WE?
We're who WE ARE.
Riding on this great big star.

We've got to stand up if WE'RE going to be FREE.

If you want IT you've got IT, you've just got to BELIEVE. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

Cause it's all just a game WE just want to be LOVED.
Yes, Mr Kravitz knows.

He GETS IT, as do certain other individuals in this world. You will know an individual who gets it when you meet them, because you will instantly, inexplicably, and naturally be drawn to them. I am not talking about simply being drawn to them physically, as in a lustful or sexual way (although that may very well happen too, but those feelings would be at levels lower than what is really attracting you). You may think that you are drawn to them simply because of their intelligence, their charm, their style, their ease of being, or wit...or any number of those sorts of things that we attribute to character traits and personality, and although they may very well possess all of those qualities. it is NOT THOSE qualities of themselves that are causing you to be drawn to them - those who get IT.

You will be drawn to them because of their energy, and the energy that they put out will be a powerful and giving one. Because once you are fully in love with and in acceptance of yourself and your life, you want to share that with others.

You might not even understand what it is you are feeling when you meet someone like this, but perhaps now, after reading this, you will understand it a little more the next time you come across one of these people. If you ARE one of these people, then you already know what I am talking about and I need not explain any further. No one is excluded from this club, all are invited. All have the magic amulet, the secret key, the silver chalice,or whatever you fancy.

Now I'm sure there are plenty of you reading this who may think that all of what I am saying to be a load of hogwash, but I promise you, it is not, and I say this not patronizingly or with one ounce of disrespect to you or your beliefs. I believe what I am saying here to be religionless, and applicable no matter what it is you believe in, whether you worship Buddah or a large, carefully preserved carrot from 1642, worship and respect yourself as you would any God, for you are the same as the God (or that you don't believe in) you are made of the same stuff, the stuff of everything - the IT. You just might not have the perspective yet to see that.

Of course, what I am saying here is my opinion, but to me, it is my truth. You have every right to have your own truth, but in the end I think we will all find that love and creativity are the only truths, and within that, exists infinite combinations for fun throughout the universe.

I really hope more and more people in the world will start to 'get it, but sadly, it seems that less and less are. In these modern times, with such wonderful distractions and materialistic things to chase after, and hectic scheduals and bills to pay and jobs to run to, and power to be wanted and won and maybe a little fame and glory - all while trying to find love, or at least some passionate sex, it is very easy to lose sight of the higher and more important thing: true and utter love for yourself and your fellow human beings, the universe, the wonderment that we are collectively and individually and uniquely experiencing that we call 'life' or 'being' or 'existence'.

Once again, please fair readers, don't misinterpret me. I may date a lot and I may be labled as a 'commitmentphobe' by some, but I'm not saying that individual love with one unique person is not a beautiful thing either. It is. But I don't believe it is what 'the world' has decided it should be. Perhaps I am still in class on this one.

Let love rule. And so you shall rule, without contolling, or manipulating...


This is my mantra, the most important thing, that I try and live by and believe will always guide me right:

Have the utmost faith, belief love, and confidence in yourself, with the utmost humility and care for your fellow human beings and eveything else that is, and you can't go wrong. The force will be with you, always.

There sure seems to be a lot of confidence floating around these days, but there sure doesn't seem to be that much humility or humbleness kicking about. Rock hard confidence without humility is simply arrogance.

Don't be arrogant.

Be aware.

Love, Kindness, and Creativity, Always, and Forever, and then some.

- Blackout

Monday, December 6, 2010

Why I know everything will be OKapi in the end, or, DON'T WORRY! BE WHO YOU ARE!

When I get down, distraught, or a little edgy in life, and I sometimes catch myself spinning in dizzy loops despite all I've learned...or is it remembered....or is it created?...shit I'm doing it again!


When I get into one of those loops. I look to one thing, that reminds me that it really all is OK. That all of everything is a fun, loving, creative joke.

That one thing is the wild Okapi.

Long ago kicked out of the Zebra club for being deemed too 'crazy' (and those Zebras are a wild bunch I can tell you), and no longer allowed to 'hang' with its Giraffe cousins, the wild Okapi tried to make friends with horses, lamas, and even kangaroos, but none would associate with them, even though they were all quite a bit curious.

The wild Okapi, which was sad at first, finally said, "chicchhh chew chew CLICCKKK chomp neeeeeeehhhh" which translates roughly into "fuck this bullshit, I love you all and I'm very grateful to be here, but I'm living my life on my terms."

So if things start to get a little frantic and you feel your inner peace starting to slip, rememebr it will all be OKapi, now, and forevermore. So says the THRICE GREAT OKAPI!


Love, Light, Laughter, Kindness, Creativity & Abundance for ALL ways Rules the Multi-verses of Creative Infinity Eternally,

Blackout / AKA Michael Biggins AKA many many others...