Friday, April 17, 2009

The Leading Cause of Death Finally Found!



Before making this official statement, let me please first say that Blackout's Box does NOT ENDORSE doing any drugs of any KIND, even prescription drugs! As a matter of fact, we don't even recommend that you EAT FOOD either, because its got pesticides and messed up, modified DNA in it. 

And now on to our official statement; firstly to all of the members and fans of Blackout's Box, because we care about you guys more, and then to the rest of the world:

We STRONGLY recommend NOT being born at this time. 

It has been shown, in a recent scientific study conducted by the Blackout's Box Institute for the Advancement of Foolishness, that the leading cause of death in the world is NOT in fact aids, smoking, heart disease, cancer, drug use or abuse, or any of those things. We have found, and proven, without a shadow of a doubt, and with conclusive evidence - that the leading cause of death, is in fact ....BIRTH. Yes. It's true. 100 out of 100 people in our study who were born, DIED. At this time, we are recommending, if at all possible, to NOT BE BORN, at least not until we can figure out a solution or a cure of some sort for this terrible, terrible epidemic. 

We realize that if you are reading this, you have most likely, in all probability, already been born, and so we ask you to please not panic. We are gravely sorry to be the barer of the news that you have been inflicted with this horrific disease called life, but rest assured, we are working as hard as we can around the clock to find a cure, as we ourselves are also inflicted with the same condition! We will be sure to let you know more information as soon as it comes to us. 

Also, and very importantly, if you happen to be a pan or multidimentional being, spirit, ghost, ghoul, specter, phantom, poltergeist, zombie, demon, immortal alien free-mason illuminati lizard, or ANY non-human entity or cohesive and cognisant energy form that is free of space-time, or in the in-between, the great void, the still, the is, the all, the nothingness, the unmanifest, or any alternate dimension, matrix, or universe of any sort, and you have somehow tapped into this dimension, space-time, universe, and website 'Blackout's Box', and you are able to understand and comprehend this information, then please take heed: 

WE HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE BORN AS A HUMAN AT THIS TIME! 

We can't stress this enough! DOING SO WOULD BE EQUIVILANT TO COMMITING SUICIDE! Our study has found that no one, as of yet, who has been born, as a human, has been able to...well...not die. Except perhaps for Jesus, but he has been unreachable and unnavailable for comment. 

Jesus, if you are reading this, please send us an e-mail explaining how you 'un-died'! We can't figure it out, and we have been trying frantically to contact you. We have e-mailed you at jesus@heaven.com, jesus@christ.com, jesus@Hchrist.com, and jesus@god.com, but we have not received any response. We have also prayed, and tried to contact you using a Parker Brother's Ouija board, both the normal and glow in the dark versions. Neither attempt has been successful, however, we were able to contact 'The Holy Ghost', or at least an entity who claimed to be 'The Holy Ghost', on the Parker Brother's glow in the dark Ouija board. He wouldn't make any sort of official statement or comment about the being born causing death problem for all humans that we have discovered, but he did tell us to send you a 'shout out' and that if we were able to get ahold of you, to tell you that he wants his $10 back. 

Jesus, please, this is a serious problem! Please contact us at blackout@blackout.com or on these message boards if you are reading this! Once again, to those of you who are normal humans who have unfortunately already been 'born' (our current estimates estimate this to be: ...the entire world), please stay calm, and keep monitoring this website, the official source for all news regarding this terrible problem. We will bring you more information and further updates as we get them.

Sincerely,

Blackout - Michael Biggins

Sturgeon General and head of The Blackout's Box Institute for the Advancement of Foolishness

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha... I've been telling people this for quite some time now, particularly when they keep reminding me to quit smoking. But they just don't believe me. I hope your message clarifies this phenomenon to humans. The other species seem to understand. Not sure about all those undead types, tho.

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