Friday, April 17, 2009

The Leading Cause of Death Finally Found!



Before making this official statement, let me please first say that Blackout's Box does NOT ENDORSE doing any drugs of any KIND, even prescription drugs! As a matter of fact, we don't even recommend that you EAT FOOD either, because its got pesticides and messed up, modified DNA in it. 

And now on to our official statement; firstly to all of the members and fans of Blackout's Box, because we care about you guys more, and then to the rest of the world:

We STRONGLY recommend NOT being born at this time. 

It has been shown, in a recent scientific study conducted by the Blackout's Box Institute for the Advancement of Foolishness, that the leading cause of death in the world is NOT in fact aids, smoking, heart disease, cancer, drug use or abuse, or any of those things. We have found, and proven, without a shadow of a doubt, and with conclusive evidence - that the leading cause of death, is in fact ....BIRTH. Yes. It's true. 100 out of 100 people in our study who were born, DIED. At this time, we are recommending, if at all possible, to NOT BE BORN, at least not until we can figure out a solution or a cure of some sort for this terrible, terrible epidemic. 

We realize that if you are reading this, you have most likely, in all probability, already been born, and so we ask you to please not panic. We are gravely sorry to be the barer of the news that you have been inflicted with this horrific disease called life, but rest assured, we are working as hard as we can around the clock to find a cure, as we ourselves are also inflicted with the same condition! We will be sure to let you know more information as soon as it comes to us. 

Also, and very importantly, if you happen to be a pan or multidimentional being, spirit, ghost, ghoul, specter, phantom, poltergeist, zombie, demon, immortal alien free-mason illuminati lizard, or ANY non-human entity or cohesive and cognisant energy form that is free of space-time, or in the in-between, the great void, the still, the is, the all, the nothingness, the unmanifest, or any alternate dimension, matrix, or universe of any sort, and you have somehow tapped into this dimension, space-time, universe, and website 'Blackout's Box', and you are able to understand and comprehend this information, then please take heed: 

WE HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE BORN AS A HUMAN AT THIS TIME! 

We can't stress this enough! DOING SO WOULD BE EQUIVILANT TO COMMITING SUICIDE! Our study has found that no one, as of yet, who has been born, as a human, has been able to...well...not die. Except perhaps for Jesus, but he has been unreachable and unnavailable for comment. 

Jesus, if you are reading this, please send us an e-mail explaining how you 'un-died'! We can't figure it out, and we have been trying frantically to contact you. We have e-mailed you at jesus@heaven.com, jesus@christ.com, jesus@Hchrist.com, and jesus@god.com, but we have not received any response. We have also prayed, and tried to contact you using a Parker Brother's Ouija board, both the normal and glow in the dark versions. Neither attempt has been successful, however, we were able to contact 'The Holy Ghost', or at least an entity who claimed to be 'The Holy Ghost', on the Parker Brother's glow in the dark Ouija board. He wouldn't make any sort of official statement or comment about the being born causing death problem for all humans that we have discovered, but he did tell us to send you a 'shout out' and that if we were able to get ahold of you, to tell you that he wants his $10 back. 

Jesus, please, this is a serious problem! Please contact us at blackout@blackout.com or on these message boards if you are reading this! Once again, to those of you who are normal humans who have unfortunately already been 'born' (our current estimates estimate this to be: ...the entire world), please stay calm, and keep monitoring this website, the official source for all news regarding this terrible problem. We will bring you more information and further updates as we get them.

Sincerely,

Blackout - Michael Biggins

Sturgeon General and head of The Blackout's Box Institute for the Advancement of Foolishness

Thursday, April 2, 2009

What the fork? Who makes forks? Who designs the stuff we use everyday and where are they?


I have never met anyone who actually makes or designs any of the common things everyone uses and takes for granted every day, such as forks and knives, or just silverware in general. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and gotten to the inevitable, "so, what do you do?" question (I hate that crap) and had the person who you were talking to say, "well, I design forks, and I'm really excited about it because we are really making some major strides in forking." 

Wait, don't answer that, let me answer for you. NO. You haven't. If you have, I really want to talk to you - twitter me at @BlackoutsBox immediately. 

So if none of us have met anyone who is a fork designer, then where the hell do they come from? Do they just grow out of the ground? Are they made in Honk Kong like everything else? But Chinese people don't even USE forks? Did all the great forkers get as far as they could with fork design many years ago, and they are all dead and we just keep using the same forks? Let's not even get into butter knives...!

I digress. I also apologize for digressing because people use that phrase way too much in their writing and I swore I wouldn't use it but now I have turned it into something clever so that makes it Ok.

What about toilet bowel seats? We all sit on these things at least once a day, if not many times a day (oh you poor females), yet do we ever stop and think that someone had to sit and blue print out your toilet bowel seat? Seriously. It staggers the mind to think about this stuff. 

So I am on a search to find people who actually design common stuff we use. Tables and chairs and furniture doesn't count because that is considered kinda artsy. No one considers a fork artsy...well except maybe for me and a few strange Germans. 

Stay Strange,

- Blackout

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Blackout's Blog? Finally! An introduction to Blackout.


My name is Blackout, and I am funky, when it comes to the Internet, I am a junky.

All Prince jokes aside, I have been on the Internet for a long time, and even though I have been writing for that entire long ass time, I have never had a blog.  I have mostly just posted on my own personal web forums on my web site http://blackout.com, but a little ferret told me I need to open my spirit up to a larger community by putting it in official blog format with all the internet search gadgetry that goes with it - so here it is, the Blackout's Box Blog... but I am just going to leave it as Blackout's Box (like Pandora's Box but better and more sinister), so let's leave it at that.

If you don't know me... it's like the old AT&T commercial - YOU WILL.

I'm an actor / writer / director / talk show host / editor / philosopher / poet / okapi tamer / and Carl of all trades (Jack was busy).

So subscribe, and enjoy the ride.

- Blackout